Soap Operas, Drama & My Life

I had the misfortune of being sucked into 5 minutes of Days of Our Lives. Can you believe the character Nicole just lost her baby girl? As she cried and said, "my baby was just with me; now she is gone- what am I going to do?" I cringed. I never really liked soaps and at the moment I realized I cannot stand drama; this is my life!! Never a dull moment. I can write the damn story.

I know that pondering would haves and should haves is not productive. However, I am troubled. When I tell the story to professionals, they ask well, did they try to stop your labor and when I respond No, they look at me oddly and stop talking. What does that mean? Would they have tried to stop my labor? If I lived anywhere else, would the doctors have tried to figure out why I was bleeding and fix it? Would my daughter be alive? AND do I really want to know the answer to that question since it is too late now? What do you think?

when people don't know

Amongst all of the other life lessons taught during the past months, I learned that rumors travel and the truth does not.

An interesting situation arose recently. I received an email asking about the baby. (i.e. How long will you be on bed rest and when will Cole have a new playmate?). I don't mind if people have questions but it is difficult when the questions pertain to a living baby. Generally, when a parent or spouse dies or a child is born, a mass email informs everyone of the occurrence; however, that did not happen in my situation. How come? Did they fail to recognize the birth and death of Aria as being real? I have a birth certificate and a death certificate just as an older person does or a baby that survives. As if getting back to the old routine was not difficult enough, I will be forced to deal with living baby questions. I was not even due until March 1, 2009!

New Information:
Since writing this post, I learned that there is a young man experiencing the same situation at work. His baby girl was born at 24 weeks and lived for 3 months before dying of intestinal complications. He had a funeral for his baby girl and requested our employer to send an email alerting our co-workers of the service. They failed to do so and he was forced to deal with baby questions when he returned simply because they were unaware of the situation.
He has experienced a great deal of frustration from the lack of support (the day his daughter was born the Lt. said, does this mean your not coming to work?) The man said to me, I feel so bad for you. I can't imagine being the pregnant Mom, working in this place because it is difficult enough being the Dad.

MAKING SENSE OF FEELINGS

THERE IS NO GREATER LOVE THAN A MOTHER FOR HER CHILD. THERE IS NO GREATER PAIN THAN A MOTHER WHO HAS LOST HER CHILD.

There are plenty of resources out there regarding infant loss and grief. I am the type of person who seeks out information in hopes of making sense of any situation. I wish that I was researching fetal development, as opposed to how to deal with the loss of Aria. I am approaching week 4 of my loss. While I understand Aria is gone and there is nothing I could have done differently to save her, this is a significant week for me. Prior to 24 weeks, labor is not stopped by my medical practice because the baby is not viable (does not have complete lung function). The belief is that it is natures way of taking care of things: prior to 24 weeks, there is either a problem with Mom so the baby must be born or there is a problem with the baby- a genetic defect. It goes without saying, the significance of the week lies in the fact that at 24 weeks my labor could have been stopped or they would have attempted to save Aria when she was born. It is not easy to read the stories of people who had their labor stopped before 24 weeks and went on to have a healthy baby. In addition, it is not easy to read the stories of children who survived being born at 24 weeks and are now problem free. Yes, I know that is probably a rare occurrence and those children are extremely lucky. Regardless, it does not make losing Aria any easier.

Fairly Odd Parent

My best friend found out she was pregnant last winter. While hanging out at my house, I was expressing my strong desire for ice cream. X suggested that I was having sympathy cravings. Who would have known that I was really pregnant? lol Wow, pregnancy must be contagious! lol

As time progressed, we laughed and thought about all of the trouble our daughters would get into as they grew up. We had plans! Aurora and Aria would be best friends too and we would do all of this *stuff * together .

Anyway, Aurora was born on 9/16/08- my oddchild. (yes, yes minus the God). That makes me the Odd Parent. I was so excited to see her and rushed to the hospital as soon as I got out of work. Lets not mention how excited I was to find a NEMO costume for her. As I held her at the hospital, I thought wow, in a few more months I will have my own little girl to have and to hold. I cannot explain how happy and excited I was about EVERYTHING!! Soon I was placed on bed rest and my best friend was operating on no rest. lol

Nobody ever imagined the tragic events that would unfold a few weeks later. I love Aurora like my own but I have not been able to see her. As the odd mother, I feel like I am failing. I should have been able to see her in the little NEMO costume but instead, I have to rely on photos. I guess you can only do what you can do........ I avoid anything that makes me sad, brings back memories etc etc. Maybe Aurora is going to be the one to make me cry? The Baptism is scheduled for DEC 28 and I am determined to be OK. It sure does help that I got out of partcipating in the mindless dribble that the church calls class. PRAISE JESUS!

Stupid Comments

It has been 3 weeks since my baby girl left me. I have a real hard time admitting that I need anything from anyone and tend to just say, everything is under control. Is it really? I don't know. I still cycle between emotions and find myself annoyed and frustrated by comments that people make.

* I should not be so upset and I should be happy that I have Cole
What if I were to say... well, you have 3 children and if one were to die that is OK because you still have two? NO-Not cool. A life is a life!! Your child is your child- right?

Of course, I am happy to have Cole! He is my beautiful little guy; however, the fact that I have him does not lessen the pain of losing my little girl. She was a living person! A person who I loved as much as Cole. She was Cole's baby sister.

* Your young- you still have time to have children
Um, do you think that by getting pregnant again I am going to forget about my little girl? Nope! One child cannot be a replacement for another. All I want is Aria back; she was going to be my punk rock girl [thats me dreaming- she probably would have been an athlete or super girly haha*]. The thought of getting pregnant again scares me to death. [twins or more this time- lol] I don't know; it is just not going to be the same.

* Everything happens for a reason: maybe she would have had physical, mental or behavioral problems.
That really does not make me feel any better. Even if she was Regan from the Exorcist (considering her parents, good possibility-lol), I still would have loved her and wanted her. In my mind, there is no good reason or rationalization for Arias death.
Quite frankly everything has a reason; ya know- cause and effect. Simply, fibroids broke my placenta causing me to go into pre-term labor and a baby her age cannot survive. Thats why she died- not to keep my mother in law company in Heaven.