where does one begin?

I discovered that I was pregnant in June, 2008. Although this was an unexpected surprise, I was so excited. I have always wanted two children but the fertility gods have never really been to kind to me. I thought, "WOW, A MIRACLE- I AM PREGNANT!" At that moment, I should have known that miracles don't really occur in my life. I suffer from a host of problems all of which made my pregnancy high risk from the start.

The pregnancy began as they all do. The timing was impeccable since I had my 10 year anniversary vacation planned. Those of you who know me know that I planned to sit on the beach drinking tequila until I could not drink anymore. lol [yes, I brought tequila home- pic 6wks in mexico]. Fortunately, I was spared morning sickness and other common ailments that pregnant women often complain about. It seemed that everything was rolling smoothly. In addition to managing my 6.5 year old, I seemed to be doing well juggling my full time job and the demands that my boss imposed upon me.

At around 8 weeks I began spotting a bit, I went for an ultrasound and we saw the heartbeat. Everything was great.

Because this was my second child, I began to show quickly. My friends and family knew I was pregnant before I whispered the words. Not to mention, I was avoiding the cocktails. I have never been know to turn down cosmos or beer. :0)

Soon the 12 week mark rolled around and my Dr appointment went well. Everything was looking good and I thought the danger has passed- woo hoo, we are going to be parents again!! Everyone around me was super excited and my son well, he had to warm up to the idea.

Because my job can be potentially active, I was placed on restricted duty which meant I could not respond to any emergencies. I was not suppose to lift, push, pull, run, or stand for long periods of time. In my best interests, I was officially voted off the island and sent to a different location where there is less activity. Don't get me wrong, my fearless leader took this as an opportunity to harass me over the silly things. Lets not forget my million mile walk to the mandatory weekly meeting that was based on the premise, come to work on time and leave on time. lol When I did not show for one, I was accused of not being at work. Did I mention that my boss did not bother to check on me until Monday? Yes, I could have been missing for days. So of course, I have this stupid needless stress but I reckon everyone does. lol

At 13 weeks, I began bleeding. Pouring blood! I thought, shit, I am having a miscarriage. I woke up my other half and said, "we need to go to the ER." When the ultrasound tech did the Ultrasound, I was surprised to see the heartbeat. I was reassured the baby was great and the problem was unknown. The ER doctor said, "some people just bleed throughput pregnancy." I had a week of bed rest and the bleeding subsided. My regular GYN said that it could be my fibroids causing the problem but we really could not be sure. An appointment was made for the Specialist and I was scheduled to see him on Columbus day. [Pic-13wks at Crue Fest]

Again every thing seemed to be going great. I had quite the baby bump & glow.

At my 17 week appointment, the doc said, "keep doing whatever it is you are doing because it is working!" I also had an ultrasound and the tech said, I think it is a girl; check back in two weeks and I will tell you with certainty. Who would have thought that it would be my last good ultrasound?

At 18 weeks, everything began to fall apart. After monitoring dinner (mainline) at work, I had some fluid leaking. I thought that it was nothing but the following day I began to spot a bit. I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound and I could tell there was something wrong. My regular GYN happened to be on call and at the hospital. He came down from Maternity and said, my amniotic fluid was low and he wanted to do a few tests. The following day I was sent to the specialist and he confirmed the findings. He also saw a blood clot hanging out over my placenta. He said, bleeding at any time in pregnancy can cause pre term labor by rupturing the placenta. He also offered apologies and said, he wished there was some cure or procedure that could help me but there is nothing he could do. At that moment I was placed on full bed rest.

My first thought, "OH NO, MY JOB" I did what I had to do and my boss was only concerned with my sick time not covering the duration of my pregnancy. I was so distraught about losing my income, possibly losing my health insurance because I would not have the money to pay for it anymore that I could hardly relax. Secondly, the idea of bed rest seemed daunting. I generally can't sit still so it was not a welcomed rest. As most mother's would, I was willing to do whatever I had to for my child. My friends laugh but I was even drinking a gallon of water per day. Normally, I am lucky if I can choke down one single bottle.

Although I was pushing the fluids, on bed rest etc etc, I began to bleed again at 19 weeks. I am not sure why but I just began crying. I called my husband at work, crying saying that I am bleeding again and on my way to the ER. My best friend picked me up and took me to the hospital. They did nothing. The on call dr said, we really don't do anything before 24 weeks. She checked me out, did not know why I was bleeding and the baby looked fine on the ultrasound. She said, "if your bleeding gets any heavier come back." Oh OK- these are the professionals. They know best- or do they? I had a feeling that something was wrong.

The next day I was officially 20 weeks. I was still bleeding and laying around watching movies. I felt a bit sluggish. My other half chopped a pear and gave me half and I instantly began having cramps- this was around 1:00pm. I thought please god, let this be a stomach virus or something. I called the DR who was on call and asked, what if I am in labor? She said, "there is nothing we can do." Hours passed and the cramps were not easing up. Although I could feel the tightening of my uterus, I still was hoping to wish it away. I was trying to avoid going to the hospital because I felt like a pest and thought they are just going to say it is nothing again and send me home. Finally around 7pm, I decided that I better get checked out. Not to mention, I was in a lot of pain. I dropped my son off at a friends house to spare him the long hospital wait and made my journey to the hospital. [Nikki lingo- cramps = contractions and every few minutes means less than 5]

When I finally got to the hospital, they hooked me up to monitors and determine that I am having some contractions every 2 minutes, my blood pressure was elevated 170/80, but I was not dilated. I said, wow, I feel the same as I did when I was 9cm dilated with my son. No joke the contractions were brutal. X could tell I was in pain as he rubbed my head with one hand and gripped my other hand tightly. I just could not get comfortable and knew in my heart that the baby was coming. I said to X, it is a sad shame that I am in all of this pain and nothing good is going to come of it. Heck, we were already told that life before 24 weeks is hopeless. Regardless, they decide that they are going to get me a room and some medication to help me relax. The doctor said she believed that I may have a placenta abruption that was high and not detected by ultrasound.

Before transferring rooms, I was going to head to the bathroom but the nurse said, hold it until we get your ultrasound done and of course I complied. I got to my room, they started an IV, my cramps began to ease and I had the ultrasound. This was the calm before the storm. The doctor says, I am sorry but it looks like you are going to go into labor tonight. We will just keep an eye on you. Hopefully, the meds will help you relax and you will get some sleep. At this point, they suggested that I use the bathroom so I did not need to get up after I was given meds; I took their advice even though I no longer felt the need to go. I meander into the bathroom with my other half because I tend to get wrapped up in IV tubes and I just wanted him with me. As I am going to hover, I say X I really don't need to go. When I pulled up my gown, I felt, big warm gush and, pressure. All I said was X! He exclaimed, "please don't look!" as he yelled for assistance, the nurse was there in an instant, pulling emergency alarms, holding my baby in her hands covered in my blood with no time to put gloves on. My legs felt weak, my mind in shock. A whole bunch of staff, nurses, doctors carry me out of the bathroom, baby still attached to the placenta. They get me into the bed, detach the baby from me and the concern shifts to the placenta that is stuck. The doctor kept saying, I knew there was something wrong with the placenta. They had to give me pitocin and other meds to induce contractions in hopes that my body would dispose of the placenta. However, it was broken into pieces. I experienced some of the worst pain of my life as the doctor tried to get it out one piece at a time. Did I mention that I have yet to get any pain medication? How do I always miss the medication? (that pain I was having earlier throughout the day was contractions tearing the placenta away from my uterus. Thus, causing it all to slide down into my pelvis).

As they were working on me and finally giving me some meds (stabbing needles into the muscle in my leg- how do you not flinch?), they were cleaning the baby up. She was born at 9:15 and had a strong heartbeat. As soon as it was possible, they handed Aria to me. Oh, she would have made such a beautiful little girl; I held her close to me, kissed her a million times and whispered I love you. I loved her so very much. I could not believe that this was happening. My baby girl was dying. What a cruel twist of fate. I sat there staring at her in a drug induced haze not wanting to let her go. Her little hand wrapped around the tip of my finger. Aria was about the size of a corona 9.5 inches tall and 12oz light. She lived until 11:15.

The nurses expressed condolences and said a social worker would be by in the morning to discuss funeral arrangements. Holy hell, this was all happening so fast. Just yesterday happily pregnant and now I need to make funeral arrangements. What happened? Why me? Why am I not allowed to be happy?

As the sun came up in the morning, I realized that what had happened was not a dream. The sense of loss was overwhelming. I cried and cried and just wanted to run away from the madness! My little girl is gone and now I am left with the question, now what? I had so many plans, hope and dreams. I guess I just have to incorporate this into the sux to be me file in my brain.

I am left with memories of what could have been, a little canister of ashes and a hole in my heart that is never going to go away.