I have so much to say and nothing to say. I am overjoyed that the year is drawing to a close.I woke up Christmas morning and the fake cheer that I mastered along with the smile that I normally paste on my face was no where to be found. I could not pretend to be happy. I could not even smile. After Cole opened his presents, I went back to bed and just cried. I was simply overwhelmed by sadness. I failed to get X-mas photos, to open my gift or do anything remotely related to x-mas [which is another issue, if I don't do it nobody does].
It seems pointless to say that the only thing I wanted was Aria. I know that I will never have her. I know that I am not the only one affected by the loss. Others grieve silently with me. Even Cole said, "Mommy, I really wish that Aria did not die." On X-mas day my Gram who just faced quite a
medical ordeal, had tears in her eyes as she expressed her sadness over my loss. She was so happy that I was pregnant again and that Cole would have a sibling. Now everyone is devastated. How should I respond? I know. . ? I just started telling people that I am going to borrow my odd child and get a puppy. She is perfect I could spoil her and give her back. As for my Princess Aurora, we both survived baptism. I was a nervous wreck!! All I thought [I may have said it aloud] Please don't make me pray, go to the Alter or say AMEN. - thanks Godfather for being the AMEN sayer. Oh and thank you god for the heavenly spit-oil that stained by shirt.
December 31, is my surgery. What a great way to end this crappy ass year. Um yes, that is professional terminology.
THANK YOU FRIENDS FOR DEALING WITH MY WORSE THAN EVER MOOD SWINGS AND EVER LASTING SADNESS.
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